Truth - Perplexed

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
I've been thinking alot about this type of thing. I get caught in a cycle of deciding what is happening or what has happened to me. For instance, have I spent too much time reflecting and contemplating rather than just living? Or have I spent too much time living, while not really living a life not worthy of reflection or contemplation? It is a battle and a struggle. I'm always looking for the common ground, or the balance. I spend too much time thinking, planning, dreaming. When I do that, I accomplish none of those plans or dreams because I am not doing. The more I think and live, the more I realize I'm perhaps just an idealist, or maybe just an idea guy. I've always said I'm a dreamer. The world says we need dreamers, without them we have nothing. I find solace sometimes in my dreams, and I also find frustration knowing they are just that. I have not been satisfied with this description as being "ok" . Where does that fit in life, and why isn't it good enough for me? People would often ask if I knew who I was, or even what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always said I just wanted to grow up. Yet, I long for my childhood and everything about it, except for the fear and uncertainty of being an adult. As for knowing who I was, my response would simply be, I am a creator and builder trapped in the body of a dreamer. It beats cross dressing no doubt. I've accepted those who have faith as their motivator or reason to live. They do not worry me or make me angry anymore. I sense their happiness and their being content, and that's ok with me. I don't want to hear about it, and I don't buy it for me, but it's ok for them. I can find truth in the ways of faith and religion, I can use parts and pieces to justify the reasons people do what they do. I chalk it up to just knowing a certain piece of the puzzle. For several years I would preach about how silly and simple religion was. Then it dawned on me that I was preaching...preaching to a choir that spoke another language. What is the point in that? Just to be heard? What did I hope to gain? That I was right and they were wrong. Yeah so what. "The battles that count aren't the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself -- the invisible, inevitable battles inside all of us -- that's where it's at. " Jesse Owens Perplexed.