Truth: Herman - Dear Fifth Third Bank

I recieved a copy of this letter from a good friend of mine. He's in a quandry on the decision to switch banks.
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Dear Fifth Third Bank,

For some time, I’ve been looking for a new financial institution to handle the Herman thousands.

The prior institutions that I dealt with, let’s just say, were “Nincompoops”. Nickel and dime charges for silly things like “inactivity.” I could avoid a penalty by, once every 6 months, deducting one penny. That is idiotic, and moronic, considering that the people paying me to let them watch my money are paying someone else even more to do the same thing.

I have to admit, I’ve been reluctant to begin a financial relationship with your bank. For me, it comes down to one thing: your name. Fifth third is an improper fraction. It is not proper. I vividly remember my 5th grade math teacher administering timed tests—“convert these improper fractions to mixed fractions.”

How can I trust a bank who takes shortcuts with something as important as their name? If you’re already skipping steps before I walk in the front door, how do I know you’re not going “phone it in” on my balance?

“Whoops, sir, looks like we rounded down on that one.”

“Well, it was Seis de Mayo. I was hung over, must have missed that zero.”

“Did I quote you 5 and 3/8ths, Mr. Herman? I really meant 5 and 3/4ths. That’s close enough.”

Can you understand my concern? Can you consider changing your name? Banks change their names all the time anyway.

How about “1 and 2/3rds”? Or, save some paint. Make it 1.7, with the repeat bar over the 7” Let me know what you plan on doing. I have all the application forms, but I’m going to wait until I hear from you.

Sincerely,

Jerry Herman