Truth: Herman - Jell-O

That crazy bastard Jerry Herman is at it again:

Dear Jell-O Folk,

I’m a simple man. I live a simple life. Once in a while, Marge would fix us some of your delightfully flavored gelatin desserts. This would qualify as the highlight of my week. I have always loved your products. However, my most recent “brush” with your products was unacceptable, to say the least.

This past Saturday night, I came home from preaching. I greeted my 18-year-old daughter, Mabel, and some of her sinner friends. Having screamed at congregations for some four hours straight, I had my sweet tooth. Right there in the refrigerator was some Jell-O that Mabel had prepared. Because it resided in ice cube trays, I figured it was “leftover” gelatin solution from some delightful gelatin dessert cups with whipped cream.

I decided to enjoy a rainbow of Jell-o snacks, one tray at a time. I think I had two trays worth—yellow, green, red and orange. This was clearly more than the standard eight ounce allotment. Gluttony is a sin! At first, I felt euphoria. Then everything became blurry. When I woke up the next morning, I had a really bad headache, and my mouth was dry. Mabel was really upset with me. Apparently, I had consumed her dessert and ruined her entire evening. The bed was spinning like some sort of sinful carnival ride.

Marge showed me a video that she had made—one of me urinating in front of a large group of neighbors, right on Mrs. Fredricks’ beautiful bed of lilacs. I also saw footage of me dancing naked on top of my car, out in the driveway. Apparently, I had also taken that car for a ride. I came home with several unhealthy items from Taco Bell, an R-Rated film from Blockbuster. Also, my paperboy pierced my ear. I don’t remember any of this, and now I owe Mrs. Fredricks some lilacs.

I went through the rubbish and found the empty Jell-O boxes. Nothing seemed odd—they were still within their freshness window. Can you explain this? Is there any sort of recall in progress for tainted Jell-O? Could this be an allergic reaction? Please advise. I'm hesitant to consume any more Jell-O products until I get to the bottom of this mystery.

I’m planning on speaking to my congregation about my Jell-O experience this Saturday. I just wanted to bring this product issue to your attention.

Sincerely,

Jerry Herman

Someone named “Amanda” left a voicemail on my cell phone, asking me to call. Verbal discussions in these instances are NO fun, and harder to tell the story later.
June 11, 2009

Dear Amanda,

I received your voicemail this afternoon, while on my way back to the local Starbucks. It seems that most of our society thinks that it is okay to take drugs. I preached to a bunch of them about the sinfulness of using caffeine to get high. One of the gentlemen, a frumpy, side burned, heavy set fellow draped in flannel and corduroy trousers and sideburns, beat the living snot out of me. He threw my cell phone across the parking lot. The pieces won’t go back together. The best way to contact me now is via email.

Unfortunately, I have a second “incident” to report. This time is not Jell-O, although I am still concerned about that particular product issue. In this instance, I believe the culprit is your Baker’s chocolate.

I came home today from Starbucks, in low spirits. My 18-year-old daughter Mabel was home from college again, with her sinner friends. They were all taking a nice nap on my living room floor. I went in the kitchen and saw a half a tray of brownies. I ate one. It was heaven. I ate a second one. Then suddenly the house started spinning and jumping. Spinning and jumping. I finished the tray. A dragon came out of the wall and sang “I Love Rock and Roll” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Then I woke up with my head in the salad crisper, and a mouthful of romaine lettuce. I was famished. Mabel and I ate everything in the fridge, including the baking soda. Then Marge came home and asked Mabel if there were any special ingredients in those brownies. Her response: “Kraft Baker’s One Unsweetened Chocolate.”

Could your chocolate have been tainted? I found the package—it wasn’t expired. I’ve read where cocoa comes from a plant that also makes drugs. Could the wrong part of the plant have been used?

Please advise.

Sincerely,


Jerry Herman
They left me another voicemail on June 12, 2009.