Truth: Catholic Dictionary

I went to Catholic school for 11 years. Nuns were a part of my up bringing. So I have first hand experience with the following list that was passed along to me. I've added my brilliant commentary (it's what I do).

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are. No need to scare anyone else away.

AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. Amen to that.

BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass. A few times I've taken a few, in hopes of using them as receipts for future unattended masses. You never know.

CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync or hum.

HOLY WATER
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. Those who aren't catholic, get burned by touching this.

HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. Nothing worse than standing next to some old man who's been a smoker his whole life who is trying to sing (you know the guy with the white shoes and plaid pants).

RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. The early-sneaker-outers; you know who you are.

INCENSE
Holy Smoke!

JESUITS
An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. Not sure what else they do.

JONAH
The original 'Jaws' story. I think we're gonna need a bigger boat..then Noah came along and answered.

JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
(For you non-Catholics it means "Lord have mercy.")

MAGI
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER
Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey. Way to go Joe!

PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. Sit, Stand, Kneel. Painful.

PROCESSION
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. Everyone looks at these people. Nothing worse than being one of these people either.

RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand. Each church has about 50 of these who are over 90 years old.

STABLE
Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. These guys can cram 20 people in a 10 person row. Truly a miracle.